Coming Out

“The single best thing about coming out of the closet is that nobody can insult you by telling you what you've just told them.” — Rachel Maddow

Coming out to anyone in your life is an incredibly personal decision. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s completely up to you and your relationship with the person(s) that you are choosing to share your true self with and you should never feel like you have to come out to people if you are not ready, nor does everyone need to be told at the same time if you know it will be better to tell some people before others.

If you are planning on coming out, it can help to first start by taking stock of who in your life supports and encourages you, and helps you feel less alone. These can usually be the people that it might be easier to come out to first, as they are already supportive and big parts of your life.

You can come out in whatever way best suits you. This could be talking to someone in person, sending an email or text, writing an old fashioned letter, or even calling someone on the phone. All ways of coming out are valid.

PLAN AHEAD

It is worth taking some time to prepare what you would want to say while coming out. Writing out how you want to come out or the specific things you want to say to someone can be useful.  It can also be helpful to practice with supportive people in your life to work out what you want to say and how you want to say it.

• How do I want to come out to them?

• What would I say to someone I want to come out to?

• What would I expect them to say?

• Is there a way I would want to prepare prior to coming out?

TIMING

There is no perfect time to come out. In fact, the best time will change depend on who you want to tell. Sometimes it will be helpful to wait for a specific time for when the person you tell feels relaxed and willing to listen while at other times you may need to share your true self at a random moment. It all is about what time feels right to you! Some questions to think through to pick the best time for you could be:

• What time works best for me to come out?

• What time of day feels like a good time to share? (before school, after work, during dinner, etc.)

• What time of year feels like a good time to share? (school season, summer, holidays, etc.)

• What time works best for the person I want to come out to?

LOCATION

Just like with timing, there is no perfect place to come out. But some places might be easier, safer, or more comfortable for you while coming out. Consider the below:

• Would I rather be in a public or private space?

• Does home feel like a safe place to talk?

• Where would we both be comfortable talking?

• Is there a location special to me and the person I’m talking with?

REACTIONS

If you are considering coming out, it’s important to think about some of the reactions people may have, both the good and bad ones. Keep in mind that other people’s reactions can be varied and might not be what you expected. Some things to consider are:

• What are some of the good responses I may hear?

• What are some of the bad responses I may hear?

• What do I expect their reactions will be, based on what I know about the person I’m sharing with?

• How do I want them to react?

When we come out, people may ask a lot of questions. It is okay to not have all the answers; it is not your job to be the expert on your identity/ies. If you feel comfortable, you are always welcome to answer these potential questions, but you don’t owe anyone any information that you aren’t comfortable sharing.

SAFETY WHEN COMING OUT

Sadly, coming out does not always go according to our plans and sometimes people are not willing to accept our true selves. Even when people do not react the way you may wish, this is not a reflection on the realness of your identity and their reaction is not your responsibility or fault.

In situations where things are feeling unsafe or where you expect that they might become unsafe, ensure that you have a back-up plan for how to leave that situation and get yourself to safety. This can also mean planning alternatives for food, housing, school, transportation, and/or work just in case.

Your safety and well-being are of the utmost priority.

External Links

• The Trevor Project’s Handbook for Coming out for LGBT Young People

  The Trevor Project has put together this PDF for young LGBT people to refer to and includes a lot of information not just about coming out, but also helps explain the basics on gender, sex, and sexual orientation.

• Human Rights Campaign’s Coming Out at Work Resource

  The Human Rights Campaign has created a guide to what to consider before coming out in the workplace, and although focused on a US perspective, a lot of the considerations and questions apply anywhere we can work.

SUPPORT

Coming out can be tough, and it is important to make sure you are comfortable and feel supported. It is worth having a think about the people in your life who would support you no matter what, so that they can help you before, during, and after you come out. Consider some of the following things:

• Who do I feel safe with?

• Who do I feel comfortable sharing about my life with?

• Who in my life has my back no matter what?

• Who in my life builds up my confidence?

Some supportive people could be:

• Real-life and online friends, classmates

• Team members, school club members, online communities

• Teachers, counselors, doctors, co-workers

• Family members, caretakers, parents, siblings, cousins, neighbors

• Religious or spiritual leaders

TESTING THE WATERS

Sometimes, though not always, figuring out how people feel about LGBTQ people and topics can give you an idea about how they might possibly react when you come out to them. Some ways that other people have tested the waters:

• Asking how they feel about an LGBTQ celebrity

• Asking how they feel about marriage equality

• Listening to their words: Do they put down LGBTQ people? Do they invoke LGBTQ stereotypes?

• Noticing how they handle difficult emotional events, which can help you guess what reactions to be ready for

SCHOOL

If you happen to be attending school, coming out can be a great way to connect with other LGBTQ classmates. However school can also be a challenging or unsafe space for many people. When thinking about coming out at school, make sure to consider your safety and wellness before doing it.  It may be useful to make a safety plan for school if you feel like you might face some tough times.

• How would being out at school make me feel?

• Who would I want to share with at school?

• Are there supportive faculty members, counselors, teachers or adults at my school?

• Is there a Gender & Sexuality Alliance (GSA) or similar club/community that I feel comfortable attending?

• Are there anti-bullying rules that protect LGBTQ students that are enforced?

• Will coming out put my safety at risk? If so, what steps can I take to stay safe?

WORK

Similar to school, coming out in the workplace can have it’s benefits as well as potentially make life more challenging. Some things to consider before doing so could be:

• What’s the workplace climate like? Do people openly make derogatory comments or jokes? Are any of your co-workers openly LGBTQ?

• Is there a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer employee resource group at your workplace?

• What are your work relationships like? Do people discuss their personal lives? Is the atmosphere friendly or guarded?

• Does your employer have a written non-discrimination policy? Does it cover sexual orientation and/or gender identity/expression?

• Does the country/state you work in have non-discrimination laws which include sexual orientation and gender identity/expression?